· fancyjournal

and so it has begun.

yesterday was probably up there on the list of my most miserable days. in my last post, where i wrote "blueberry nausea," i was mistaken. it was just regular old chemo nausea, and it lasted for a good ten hours. i writhed in bed for most of that time, but i wouldn't know how long exactly since my eyes were fixedly studying the insides of my eyelids. when i wasn't imitating a fetus, i was forcing down food, but perhaps ardyth's insta-pad thai wasn't the best choice.

i also managed to eat an entire box of saltine crackers and a 20oz of ginger ale within an hour.

i don't know if i'm proud of that.

i hit the hay at 11, and woke up at 6, completely nausea-free. and so starts today.

i had to get to chemo by 9, so i wasn't in any rush. eventually i was served breakfast, but i couldn't eat it all, so we just left.

i got some vitals checked because all of the doctors were surprised by how nauseous i was when they saw just how much anti-nausea shit i had been pumped with. it was concluded [and i agree] that it's all in my head, and that i'm making myself crazy. so i left the room with a prescription for lorazepam [or ativan for umass students named ryan flynn], and went and got hooked up. ativan also puts you to sleep, so it made me un-crazy as well as drowsy.

most of my craziness is with saline. saline is what they pump you with when you're not on drugs for a moment. something about the word 'saline' makes my skin crawl. i just imagine that terrible but familiar hospital smell, but in liquid form. i imagine it being pumped through my veins and nourishing my organs and phasing out my blood slowly until i'm running on clear, geriatric fluid. it makes my stomach turn and my head spin. i taste it in the back of my throat until my eyes roll back in my head. then i come back down and start over.

i'm done with that conversation, i don't need another blueberry incident.

so anyway, i sat next to geraldine, an 85 year old black woman with a heart of gold who smelled of huggies and happier days. she wasn't much of a bother, as we both slept most of the time. the ativan knocked me out pretty well, and so my six hour day of sitting in a chair was split into time with my hoodie, my ipod, and my japanese book.

it was a pretty boring day, and so this is a pretty boring post. i'm at my dad's house now with a cup of ginger ale and a box of pop'ems, and i'm waiting until i can take another ativan. maybe i won't be so crazy.

this is me today, as i was about to leave.
 
i had quite a few more bandages but i'm wireless now and it feels niiice.

anyway, see you tomorrow.

maybe not.